The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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