he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
