i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
