I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
