In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
