my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
sex in a hospital.. check
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
