I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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