Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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