Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
