I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
