Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
someone threw a dead crab at me
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
