the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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