naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
