She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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