Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
