Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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