Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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