I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
