so explain again why im purple
no
I just threw up on my dentist
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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