What did we do last night that was yellow?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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