I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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