I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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