Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
