Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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