he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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