just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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