i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
