All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
