Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
