Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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