some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
