his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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