Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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