My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
