1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize