Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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