Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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