I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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