why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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