some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
