I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
