the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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