: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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