We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
