**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so let's talk penis.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
