You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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