I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
