he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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