i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
