he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
