god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
