my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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