He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
