I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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