she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
