Someone shit on the floor
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
