well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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