Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
