mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
