It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
